I saw this yesterday. And I see it often when people are getting married. For me, I can’t help but wonder… if I’ll be lucky enough for it to be my best friend.
ASAP. I can’t let myself become content with where I’m at again. I promised myself I wouldn’t. Which, for the most part, isn’t a hard promise to keep. Except… Yah. It’s gotten a little more complicated, but nothing too over the top. I know that sometimes I compromise with myself, but it won’t happen with this. I told myself I wouldn’t ever take into account my personal feelings and relationships with people when it comes to this part of my life.
I know that travelling will make me happy. Finding a new home where I feel like I’m wanted, where I feel like I belong, where I feel like I’m making a difference… that is what I need to keep focused on. Everything else will fall in line. Once you stop wanting/looking for something, that’s when you eventually find it… right? I’ll stop looking for that woman then. I’ll try to keep my eyes on the prize, and do my best to keep them from straying to the sides to take a peek at whats around me. It’s just something I can’t help sometimes. Who knew I would feel this way? Who knew despite the fact that I know better, I would have those feelings creep up on me again? Well… I guess I knew. I guess I knew if I didn’t pull away enough or didn’t put enough space and time between us, that damn smile would wreak havoc on my heart. And it has. Just seeing her smile… melts me. Why? “It’s just a smile,” is what I’m guessing you’re thinking. But it’s not just the form of her mouth, the curve of her lips, the tightening of her cheeks and the small dimples that play at the sides. It’s the source. It’s knowing that I’m the reason for the smile. I make her happy. I make her laugh. I make her forget about all that crap that she lets pile on her shoulders day in and day out, for just long enough to allow her muscles to relax a little from all the frowning, and I put a genuine smile on her face. At least that’s the way that I feel. I know that’s why my cheeks hurt the day after I see her. I know that’s why I’m happy for no reason afterwards. Just thinking about that smile. That smirk. That geeky little giggle, ending with a hard snort of an exclamation that she is genuinely happy. It makes me feel like I could never leave.
But I know better. I know that my life is my own. I make it. I will be my own success or failure. Nobody else can take that responsibility from me. And you can never count on anyone else caring about whether it’s one or the other. If you want to succeed, it must be for yourself, and by yourself. If you find like-minded companions along the way, then that’s great. But never put all your eggs in one basket, always know your best interest is first in your mind, just as their own interest is first in theirs. And always keep faith, and hope. Otherwise, don’t let anybody, anything, any…feeling… to hold you back. And I know this. And I’m conscience of it. And I will do whatever necessary to make sure this weakness I have, doesn’t keep me from moving forward. Although… To think about not having that smile in my life. Well… that kind of takes away some of my sunshine, and saves me nothing but the rain.
On days when I know these feelings are overwhelming… I do it to myself. I play songs that remind me of you, I think about times we’ve had together. Memories that overcome me and remind me of all those things that led me to this place. I play them over and over in my head. I remember those moments where you made me feel so amazing, those moments when you made me feel alive, and then of course those feelings where you made me feel inadequate, alone, and nothing more than just another drop in your bucket.
I know you can’t force anything. You can’t just wish feelings into existence. But what baffles me is that I know that they’re there. What drives me crazy is knowing that I’ve seen them. You’ve had the drunken moment where you’ve told me… you’ve looked at me… into my eyes, showing me all you have inside while all the same peering deep within me, and knowing that you saw what was there as well. Did that scare you? Is that why you get so close to me, then pull so far away. This up and down with you is what makes it so unbearable. How can I let you go, when evertime you’re almost gone, you take it upon yourself to turn around and come crawling back, finding that spot in my heart I’ve tried to hide from you, and making yourself oh so comfortable in it.
You’ll keep doing it I know. Until I have enough willpower to keep you away. It’s no one persons fault. Not yours. Not mine. Not my ex. Not yours. We can blame no one, and everyone, all the same. It’s simply a combination of everything all together. The timing is all wrong. And that’s what it is all about, the timing. It was wrong with my ex, it’s wrong with you, and I’m sure it’s bound to be wrong when the next one comes around. If there’s a next one. Maybe that’s where my true fear lies. Why you linger in my mind and heart. Why my feelings feel such allegiance to you. Because in the end… it’s the fear of not having a ‘next one.’ In the end, it’s the fear that keeps me here. In the end, it’s only that fear which shall set me free.
But it does tend to come by, tease with it’s obvious existence, and then leaves without taking it’s feelings with it. The inability for me to ignore it drives me nuts. Who doesn’t want to be loved? I’m pretty sure that list is relatively short… But why does it take such precedence over my life. Why is my heart so much louder than my mind? I know I don’t need it right now. I know if I just stop wanting it so much, and searching for it, that maybe it’ll come a little easier. But that’s all easier said than done.
I just want someone to share this life with. I have more love to give than anything else, and nooner share it with. It just makes me sad. And makes for such a long day when I can’t help but think about it from start to finish.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll be a little smarter…but I doubt it.